Untame (Straight Taste Book 5) Page 5

  "I need to unthaw my toes and fingers," I said. "Can we take a hot shower together at the cabin before doing anything else?"

  When Cody didn't answer, I stopped walking and looked at him closely. He had a meek frown on his face.

  "What's wrong, Cody?"

  He shook his head and gestured for me to continue walking with him.

  "You're not inviting me to your cabin, are you?"

  "No, I'm not," he answered. "Not tonight."

  "Have you met someone else?"

  "No, Kieran. I was really looking forward to more time with you."

  "I must have said something that offended you."

  "Wrong again."

  "What is it then?"

  "Tonight wasn't what I expected," Cody said. "Let's just leave it at that and part ways."

  "I don't deserve any explanation?"

  We reached my car. His car was parked behind mine. Cody agreed to sit in my car with me for a moment. I started the engine and rammed the heat setting to the highest level. His body language was not encouraging. He stared forward, out the windshield, without turning his body toward me.

  "Please, Cody, tell me what happened."

  "You're having an off night," he said.

  "Me? How?"

  "You hardly listened to anything I said at dinner. I had to coax you to hear any updates from you on your life and your travels. Sometimes you just gave me one word answers to my questions. You seemed bored. And distracted. You cruised our waiter, the man who sold us apple ciders in the town square, and nearly every other good-looking guy in sight. How could you have changed so much in such a short amount of time?"

  "I'm sorry. I didn't realize I was acting like that."

  Cody pivoted toward the door and reached for the handle.

  "Wait one more minute, please," I requested. "Our sex has been so amazing that I think I just got anxious to get to your cabin and jump your bones. That was my real distraction."

  "That's not good enough for me. I liked the earnest and sweet Kieran. The one who was always fully present during our conversations and our time together. Since he's gone, I'm going home alone. Goodnight."

  Cody stepped out of my car and gently closed the door. He politely waved as he swiftly drove away. I was too dumbfounded to wave back or even put my car in gear.

  Chapter 13

  The next two weeks were a blur. I focused on my responsibilities at the wetlands preserve and spent most of my free time reading science fiction novels and true crime books or shopping for holiday gifts.

  After the startling rejection by Cody, I gave him his space and did not pressure him any further. He returned to Texas and I thought it was best to not call or text him until Christmas Eve or so with genuine holiday greetings. Maybe it was wishful thinking, but I had the inkling that Cody might give me another chance when he returned to the preserve in the months to come. If he didn't, I still wouldn't want to be angry or upset. I didn't want to taint the great memories on the few nights he and I had shared.

  Brandon called one evening after I had just concluded a long jog in the cold night air. We chatted while I sat on the edge of the bathtub and soaked my feet and ankles in scalding hot water. Brandon mentioned he was addicted to the shaving kit and products I had purchased for him as a thank you gift and reminded me that I was welcome to visit him in Nevada anytime during the new year. "You still need to experience the helicopter tour over the Vegas strip," he added.

  "I really want to do that," I responded. "It means a lot to me that you are so generous. I'll admit I was agitated for a few days that you told Andrew that I slept around out there. But I had no right to expect you to keep my secrets from your best friend."

  "Kieran, I haven't said a word to Andrew about it."

  "Really?"

  "Nope. It never came up. I didn't intend to mislead him. If he would have asked me, I would have told him."

  "But he has been emotionally distant since coming home."

  "You could be misreading that," Brandon said. "It's his job. He doesn't text or call me as much as he used to, either. Things should return to normal, at some point."

  "More than anything I hope that's true."

  "Are you having bouts of loneliness?"

  "Some," I confessed. "Mostly, I'm confused, so I have been keeping to myself." I told Brandon what had happened with Cody.

  "Was it just about the sex with Cody then?"

  "I didn't think so. Honestly, I'm not sure. I was fascinated with him."

  "Do you have feelings toward Cody like you have toward Andrew?" Brandon asked.

  "It's different."

  "Tell me how it's different."

  I paused, trying to put the sentiments into accurate words. "I'm having trouble."

  "Take your time. You just need to get to the heart of the matter."

  "I imagine I could fall in love with either one of them," I said.

  "But you said you have differing feelings for Andrew and Cody. Where do things stand right now? Beyond sex and beyond friendship, is there a difference?"

  "Yes. Andrew's the one deep inside my heart."

  "Well, there you go. That's a starting point. I think it will take time for you to get more in tune with yourself. Try not to rush the process. That's my unsolicited advice."

  "Brandon, I forgot some of the wisdom you imparted to me that night at the restaurant. Will you please tell me again, as simply as you can, why you stopped dating other women even though you don't have a committed relationship with Hazel?"

  "If I say it too simply it will sound trite. Let me see how to frame this for you. It's about respect, the natural development of a relationship, and where you want to focus your emotional and physical energy."

  "Shoot, that doesn't really speak my language," I said. "I know what the words mean, but it doesn't add up to something I clearly understand."

  "Hold on then," Brandon said. "We'll try this another way, okay? Keep it simple. I want you to consider this instead. You seem to regard sacrifice as a negative concept."

  "Sure, I do. Isn't life about freedom and breaking barriers and challenging yourself with new experiences?" I asked. "Sacrifice is the opposite of all of that."

  "Imagine it differently. You have a right to freedom and new experiences. However, a sacrifice can be a gift, to another person and to yourself. Are you following me?"

  "No."

  Brandon chuckled at my quick answer. "Then instead of me trying to conduct a lecture on philosophy with you, I'm giving you an assignment. During your daily jogging or other moments when you're feeling reflective, return to this topic. Ask yourself how occasionally sacrificing your freedom could be a powerful gift to another person, as well as to yourself."

  I hesitated to reply. I didn't see how pondering this was better than just getting the answer. "Okay, I'll try it."

  "The answers may not come for a while. Don't give up."

  Chapter 14

  Christmas was less than a week away. Seated shoulder-to-shoulder in the balcony of the old downtown theater, Andrew and I watched Willow perform in The Nutcracker Suite. Instead of a ballet or opera, it was a community rendition in the form of a play and set to the wondrous music of Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky. Willow, a volunteer actress, had won the role of the Snow Queen and she looked terrific. Besides some hiccups with the sets and costumes, it was fairly easy to suspend disbelief and become captivated by the show.

  At the intermission, Andrew and I avoided the long lines at the refreshment stands and restrooms and found a quiet corner in the lobby.

  "I have something to tell you," Andrew said.

  My heart sunk. His demeanor was so matter-of-fact that I braced for the worst. "You're moving out of the duplex?"

  "No."

  "You and Willow are going to date each other exclusively?"

  "No. Don't try to guess. Let me just say it."

  "Sorry."

  "We're just going to be friends," Andrew said.

  "I feared this was going to
happen." I frowned and looked down at my feet, feeling my cheeks and neck flush bright red. I was devastated and I couldn't hide my reaction.

  Andrew put his hand on my shoulder. "I'm not talking about you, Kieran. This is about me and Willow. We love each other in many ways, but she is getting more serious with the guy she's been dating longer than me. Without any bitterness, she and I are going our disconnecting our romance, but we've vowed to keep our friendship strong."

  "When did the two of you decide this?"

  "It's been building for awhile. She made her final choice earlier this week."

  "Are you okay?" I asked.

  "Yes, it hurts, but that's to be expected. I'm going to be fine."

  I wanted a bit more privacy and so Andrew and I stepped outside onto the small plaza in front of the theater. Snow flurries began collecting on our heads. We moved beside the building wall, under the roof eave, and my teeth started chattering. We were freezing, but I didn't want my words overheard by anyone else.

  "I know we're shivering and it's the wrong time to ask, but is there any chance you and I can be together again?" My eyes welled up and I had trouble getting through the question without stammering.

  Andrew hugged me and spoke into my ear. "I didn't let go of you. I have been wanting to prove myself at work to keep the manager's job and I knew you needed some breathing room, too. You and I aren't over, Kieran."

  I embraced him tighter, inhaled the clean scent of his neck, and said, "I don't want any more breathing room."

  "Don't give up your freedom just yet."

  "Why not?"

  "Because I'll be here for you when you're ready," Andrew answered. "I don't know when that will be. Neither do you. It's not something we can just decide on. But what we can do is make more time for each other, mainly after the holidays, and let's see what happens."

  "You think we have a good chance of taking this further?"

  "I believe we can. How about you?"

  "I'm ready to do anything to have you back in my life." I released my hold on Andrew and looked in his eyes, which flashed like treasured emeralds in contrast to all of the grey clouds and white snow. He seemed at peace.

  "I have the rest of the day off work. Let's spend the whole night together. I've missed being with you and I'm sorry you felt like I was turning my back on you. Are we good now?"

  "Perfectly good."

  "Then let's get inside before we get frostbite," Andrew said, tousling my hair to shake off the melting snowflakes.

  I spent the remainder of The Nutcracker Suite play in a state of bliss. I weaved in and out of the story, dreaming at times of my own incredible fortunes. Somehow Tchaikovsky's music harmonized with my own feelings and swept me away.

  Toward the climax of the show and the end of the characters' journeys, I had an epiphany specifically about my personal journey. My ravenous lust for validation from other men to boost my feelings of self-worth had come to an end. I no longer felt like a powerless loser perhaps destined to suffer a lifetime of inadequacy. I was an adult, a stronger man, a person who could find fulfillment in an evolving relationship.

  I gazed at Andrew's profile beside me and believed I would be forever blessed if I devoted myself to building something beautiful and healthy and special, just with him.

  Author's Note

  Thank you very much for reading "Untame," the fifth book in the Straight Taste series. If you enjoyed this book, please take a moment and leave a review.

  Kieran's character debuted in "Garage," a book about coming out and initial sexual discovery. Kieran finds a glory hole in a wall separating a studio apartment from five virile men working at an automotive and motorcycle repair shop.

  Please click here for "Garage."

  The second story in the Straight Taste series is "Macho." Kieran, desperate for intimacy with another man, suffers loneliness during a muggy summer away from home. He rents a room above a garage in a vineyard, seemingly miles away from a town where he could meet anyone for affection and temptation. The sudden arrival of a confident and handsome stranger captivates him.

  Please click here for "Macho."

  "Lured" is the third story in the series. Eager for bonding with other men, Kieran experiments with strangers after a late night visit to a truck stop.

  Click here for "Lured."

  "Covet" is the fourth book in the series. Three enticing men suddenly capture Kieran's fascination, tapping into intense pleasure and intimacy he has only dreamed about. But playing the field is not so easy.

  Click here for "Covet."

  I appreciate your support and wish you well.

  Jaylen

  ADDITIONAL NOVELS, novellas, short stories, and bundles by Jaylen Florian include:

  Antonio's Mask

  Arousing Euphoria: Rugby Team Bundle

  Baseball Star's Gift

  Cobra De Capello

  Covet

  Ghost Town

  Guarding His Fortunes

  Guarding His Jewels

  Hollywood Tease

  Lured

  Macho

  Rugby Test: Hypnotic Temptation

  Uncovering Machismo

  Untame

  Uplifting Sports Romance: College Gay Bundle

  For updates on new releases and book specials, please join my mailing list at JaylenFlorian.com. Thank you.